Straw Felt Yow

Oh no, who’s that knocking at the door at this time of night? Manuel? MANUEL! Completely useless. I don’t know why I bother. MANUEL!! Oh wait a minute – he’s had to go back to Barcelona to register for this stupid Census. Thank you very much Augustus Caesar! Polly’s day off, Sybil’s out at some friend’s again... I’ll have to go myself. Yes, hang on, I’m coming. Honestly, people treat this place like a hotel! Where’s my dressing gown?



Hello? Yes? Oh, you want a room? Was there perhaps something about the sign in the window you didn’t understand? You thought you’d ask anyway as it’s late and you’re desperate. Oh, it’s late is it? I hadn’t realised - I thought there was a solar eclipse. I normally wear pyjamas during the day. Let me explain. The sign says ‘Full’. F-U-L-L. That means WE-HAVE-NO-ROOM. Yes, I can see she’s pregnant. I think that is somewhat obvious. But we do not have any accommodation just at the moment, thank you and good night. .... Oh, hello Sybil. Decided to come back and do some work to recover from a hard night’s gossiping, have you? It’s all right dear, I’m dealing with it. No, I didn’t make her cry. Look, it’s not my fault they didn’t book ahead, is it? Listen, I said I’m dealing with... OW! ......

Harrumph. Maybe now I can get some sleep - if my throbbing head will let me. It’ll serve Sybil right if the Hotel Inspector comes tomorrow. Imagine putting them in the animal shed round the back! ... Oh no, now what? I don’t believe it. There’s only a dirty great CHOIR outside now! Where’s the noise abatement society when you want them? And there’s someone else at the door! Sybil? Where is she? Probably out with those two in the shed. I’ll have to go myself again...

Shepherds. Now I’ve seen everything. What do you want? Yes, yes, round the back. Well, at least wipe your feet first! What have you been treading in? Don’t mind me, I only own the place.

Would somebody please tell me what is going on? Anyone would think that baby was Someone Special.

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When I was at school, sometime after I'd become a committed Christian, I wrote an essay in which I argued that there were actually two festive seasons - Christmas, that lasted for 3 days (this was before I was aware of things like Advent), and Xmas that lasted all year. I then proceeded to demonstrate by listing things like when the first holly and tinsel adorned items appeared in the shops, and themed adverts on TV, through buying next year's cards at half-price in the January sales, the pudding that lasted until April, a present arriving from New Zealand in July, and other things I can't remember. I finished by saying maybe Christians should move their festival to June and disentangle it from the other one. The teacher loved it and gave me a commendation (gold star, OBE, extra quill - whatever it was in those days).

If I was updating it I think I'd have to add our neighbour's light show. She has always loved this time of year and really gets into all the trimmings - though more Xmas than Christmas. For years she has been amassing an amazing collection of singing Santas, dancing snowmen, animated trees, you name it, so the inside of her house when they're all switched on (we go for the tour every year) is like a cross between Santa's Grotto and a bizarre mechanised singing competition where all the entrants are singing at once in different keys and tempos! A unique experience, with her long-suffering husband somewhere in the middle trying to watch the football on Sky. Last year she added an outdoor lights display for the first time, and went for it big time! You could read a newspaper at midnight outside her window (the photo was taken with not all of them on!). We've just had the Big Switch On for this year.



Actually, if I was updating my essay, I think about dropping the bit about moving Christmas. Yes Xmas is commercial and tacky, but there's also a lot of it that's just plain good fun - like Sheila's lights (setting aside carbon size 17's just for a bit). Add in a real reason for celebration, a birth that can change everything for ever for anyone who wants it, and, with a bit of judicious navigation, you've got a pretty unbeatable combination.

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